Never Ending Thankfulness to the Guardian Angels

29-4-2013  Entry 4  -Endless Appreciation and a Guiding Hand-

Hey there, me again! This series has become very helpful to me, I must admit. If you're looking for an open canvass to let loose anything inside you that bottles up, spill away in your own blog, I advise it highly. I feel soooo much better just thinking that the raw contents of my mind, heart and soul are released and that they may help anyone across this wonderful planet. Perhaps you've taken something from this to help you? If so, I thank you for taking in my naked identity and applying it in such a great way. :)

This time around is a much better and brighter light of focus, today is great. I've gotten to talk to my best friend I've found in such a curious way. My friend's name is Emma, and she has been my guiding star and inspiration for years, my aid in dark times and the one who has removed my blindness so that I may take in the wonderful things around me most would take for granted. Without her, I would be a different, and much lesser person when it comes to happiness and comfort in life. 

We met one day when I had wandered onto a site called Omegle, knowing not what I'd find. I went just to see what conversations go on there back in the spring of 2010. We talked for several hours until it was time to finally get some rest, in which we exchanged emails. This meeting was not coincidence in my mind, I was meant to meet this wonderful person. She would talk to me when I had no one else to talk to, in my times of need, and for the pleasure of having a friend to talk to for any reason at all. This is one of the highlights of my life in total.

You see, at this point, there had been a number of negative happenings involving me directly or indirectly, such as family. To the point that in my ignorance I would blame God, and stopped believing in him entirely as I could not understand how good people could be given so much less, so much worse than people who have bad intentions or actions. I had given up on a lot, and even just two years before attempted suicide. I was at the  bottom and had no way of telling up from down any longer. I wouldn't be able to see clearly for some time still, but Emma was surely a light to guide me back up, and time would only show me that. 

Emma had stuck with me in the worst of times, and now in far better ones. That is what true friends will do for you. They stay for who you are, not how successful you are, or to take in what you have, but simply to be your friend. All of this is very important to me for many reasons, but the biggest in part has to be how she has reintroduced me to God. She has saved me by example, her faith is so strong and shows in everything she does, it is difficult to ignore. I even travelled from the US all the way to Sweden to meet my friend, and this is when I knew for sure I was wrong in my doubts of His existence. I felt so great to begin to see again. 

I can never thank this angel of a friend properly for all the selfless things she has done, and most of what I am sharing with you she does not really realize. I trust that the rewarding feelings she gets by helping me are all she would like, but she is an honest to God follower, I believe that in my heart. I've seen too many claimers with weak or false faith. All I can do is offer the same to her, and be the best person I can be, as not to let her efforts and friendship be in vain. Thank you Emma, more than you will ever know.

I share this with you not to push a faith on you, or tell you you're wrong for other beliefs, as long as you are happy and true in life that is all you need. What I am sharing is that I am blessed to have such a friend, and if any of this made you think of someone in your life, I want you to live to the fullest to make them proud of you and of themselves. I pray you have a great friend as I do. If you have Jesus, you will always have a great friend at your side. Allow Him, or your friend, at your side and not to your back. People like Emma can only keep you happy if you let them. Should you turn your back and you hurt yourself more than anyone.

Keep your Mind Ajar and you may find roads less travelled to be exactly what you need to find yourself, and some friends along the way! I love my dear friends, all of them. :)

Apology to the Lost

28-4-2013  Page 3  -Sorry and Miss You-
So, during a sleepless night, I had a look back in my things to remember those who were once dear to me who are now just the mere memories I hold close. To think my last post will just end up like the rest. It's a shame if you ask me, they were wonderful people to come into my life in the first place.

First I'd like to recognize Levi Morales and Lindsay Rasmussen. Both were awesome friends and fun to talk to for hours on end. Thankfully it was just the course of life that split us apart. No bad or upsetting events caused that. To you both I wish the best of luck, miss you guys.

Second, the girl who taught me a lot in a different way, Katrina Hotz. So many things to say about this individual, but I will say that even after 6 years the name crosses my mind. An honest girl with a shame on me  tale, I was lucky to have known you, and I know it is my fault that we no longer share any relationship. I'm sorry for everything.

Kelly Nickels, a name that belongs to probably the most promising friendship potential killed off by outside influence and lies This one still hurts to be honest with you bloggers. She was the sweetest girl to date, with many extra common interests. Selfless and loves to see a happy world around her, a great loss in my life. I will miss you, even if you never know it. :(

Jackie Brunelle. One I never thought I would regret after the breakup, but with the first girl to really hold my heart and take it in care, I really do wish I had done things better. You had some mixed up ideas of others on this list, but all in all, I can see in hindsight where you might have gotten the ideas. I also know of the rumors that spread between the involved parties, that really didn't help. Our relationship was killed off by the stabs from many others around us, it was us versus the world, which turned us to fight one another. I am deeply sorry for the way things went, I wish I could have been a better person for you. You deserve better anyway, and I hope you have found it.

Dylan O'kray Man you were some fun, I wish you were still here. I wish I had gotten to know you better before your departure. A terrible addiction cut our friendship off short, leaving me and many other loved ones behind. We'll never forget your crazy fun personality and the person you were for us to enjoy for a time too short.

Finally to the most recent loss in my life goes to Sarah. You drifted away and into the circle of people that I know you can do better than, but your choices are your own, and I cannot change that. For two years you were the reason for many things for me. We had such great times, memories I'll never lose. I wish it didn't have to end in such a way. Someday things could change I suppose, but I hardly expect that. You are too stubborn to take my opinion into account. You were my best friend for a long while, and despite the sadness, I have to thank you for being such a good friend for some of my harder years. :(

This is not a complete list, but the biggest parts of my life that were taken away when they left. I really believe that you were all sent for a reason, I learned much from each of you. I am lucky to have a few good friends that will accompany these ranks shall they ever leave me, but for now, I will enjoy them as I wish I could enjoy each of you. Thank you for everything, and I am sorry for the troubles I caused some of you. I'll keep my Mind Ajar with the lessons you've taught me.

A Friendly Mask is Still a Mask.

27-4-2013  Post 2  -A lose/lose type of relationship-
G'day. Today is a bit of an off my chest rant in a way. I openly apologize for leaving this in the start of my blog series, but it is something that has been devouring my life as of the last week, and I need to tell someone. Even if I've never, and will never meet you, please hear me out.

 There's always been something I've never understood. How is it you can have a friend, on any level of relationship, who one day just ditches you to spend time with someone who *not thinking I'm perfect or anything* is trashy or in all ways entirely a poor choice of character?

As I'm sure you can gather from this, I've recently had a friend do exactly this. We were fairly good friends, a daily communicational basis of friends for a number of years. Recently this friend has been associating less with me, which is okay, not the clingy type of person. To find out they intentionally hide some amazing new 'friends' and intentionally talking to me less because of it, is something of a displacing factor. I say amazing with the utmost sarcasm by the way, as one instance where this friend was suddenly available to talk was because one of these 'amazing' friends had ditched them to finish off a 6 pack of beer and play video games. Splendid if i do say so myself on the trueness of friendship being displayed.

At this point I'm not sure where I stand. These new friends had influenced my friend to such a point that they really aren't who they were when we met. They've taken on some of the traits, undesirable ones at that. The first question is; do I even want to keep this friend any longer? Our personalities no longer mesh as they once  had, a fact I'm still not entirely okay with accepting. Even I have considered myself selfish in these thoughts, as a common opinion of the situation would be at this point. To make criticism of the friends my own friend has made. It probably is, I'm not perfect, but I have a belief of a good environment yields good results. In other words, I cannot surround myself with negative shadows, even if the shadows lie behind the dying light of friendship.

As hard as it is to do, I've decided that I will move on. If my friend is happy, albeit changed, I am happy for them, I trust in the faith that everyone should be happy, and just because it isn't what I want, doesn't mean they can't have it. Sooo.. as long as you're happy S.H, I'm glad you've managed that. This friend of mine tries to tell me I was their best friend, but it doesn't take a specialist to know that best friends don't treat one another in such neglectful ways. Consideration and Compromise are reliable tools ever present in good friendships, but between us have just become great holes that tear us apart in a strong divergence.

Going back to the start of all of this, how is it that one can consider themselves a great friend, and in the blink of an eye vanish for others who really don't care about them? I wish for nothing more than to have my friend back to the way things were at one point, but life works in mysterious ways. I cannot change what has transpired, nor can I turn back time. Move forward, and pray for the best, that is my next plan of action.

I am sorry for including this in the start of my blogs, I really do try to see the best in situations. Having just moved to Australia, knowing no one whatsoever, and having one good friend to talk to from back in my old country, I hoped our friendship could remain the same. Now with this friends' new actions, I find myself a bit alone. There are lessons to be learned, some I see and some are to be seen. This all brings me to my next purpose here though.

Trust, yes a word spoken often and regarded far less than it should be, it is something to look at in all of this. I trusted that my friend could make better choices, could maintain their own unique personality better, and I even trusted myself to stay vigilant in keeping a good friend despite the darker side of things. All trust that was befallen before me, either by outside forces or my very own hand. I have as much to do with this as all other parties involved.

You see, the reason all of the above bothers me at all is much more invested in the lack of trust all around, not the actual events solely. I have a flaw, that is to openly and fully trust those who have lost no trust. It only seems fair to me, to give my all to people I meet, as they have given me no reason not to trust them. I've made a number of friends, as hardly anyone loses the trust I hand out. It opens you to see the best in people quickly, but even after months or years, trust breaks just as easily as a window would. In all cases, I have to remember I am trusting myself first.

Think about it like this: you want to be friends with someone you meet, their first impression seems like somebody you could grow into. You have to ask yourself, are you trusting YOU to give correct amounts of trust to this person, how much can you hand them before you're uncomfortable? In matured relationships I feel the same applies. More trust can be given, but when is it too much? When are you just blatantly just opening yourself up to fail, be hurt, untrustworthy to yourself? It can be stressful, but you learn by making mistakes, we've all been hurt before, sometimes it takes a while to open up to new acquaintances properly after being proven wrong by misjudgement of your own trusting.

The overpowering feelings I've experienced over the past week have all but forced me to share this with you.  Even though it is just the tip of the iceberg of the story and past involving my friend, what is relevant has been shared with you. I still hope you may be able to take messages and lessons from what I leave for you here, and extend my invitation to all suggestions and comments you may have about the experiences I share, especially ones like these where I'm not completely able to see the clear path. *I'm sure the broken flow of what I'm writing here shows a bit of how unclear my mind is right now lol*.

I'd like to finish up by saying I do feel a little better to have finally told someone what is on my mind. I want to keep this out of my head as much as possible. I plan to venture out into my new country and meet people without any handicapped bias on trust, friendship, or anything else that has malicious intent on my future with the unknown. Share your experiences, your knowledge, your feelings and ideas, and keep your Mind Ajar to readily take in the same from others. :)

An Open Door

26/4/2013  Blog 1 -The Introduction and a Perspective Mind-
Hello! I welcome you, whoever you may be, to read along as I spread my ideas, thoughts and feelings across this blog from time to time. I have often wanted to start a blog, share the in and outs, as well as the ups and downs that seem to clutter about in my mind.

I will introduce myself as Andrew, but to keep it as basic as I'd like it to be, that will be all for now. Perhaps we can find some common things among us, relative and familiar. If not that would be okay too, but I urge you to think from this and future blogs. Think of what makes you who you are. Do your opinions cut it short and sweet, or is it something a little deeper? If you don't know, maybe you can learn a bit about yourself from me. I am hoping to learn more about myself from this too, just so you know things are fair. : )

I promised myself that if I ever did start writing, I would share the importance of my favorite word, as it holds a strong anchor inside nearly all of my thoughts and feelings. This word is Perspective. This can write a line between small things, such as an opinion of a flavor, or liking and disliking music genres, but it holds a deeper power you might not think about so often. Perspective can create disagreements in politics, it can cause wars and break ups in relationships, and it can shade out light from one culture to another. Things that are perfectly okay and legal in one country may seem bizarre or even against the rights of humans to another. Every opinion; your ideas of right and wrong, what you like or hate, even why you may see what I am writing to you to be boring rubbish or an inspiring, interesting succession of words, are all a base of your perspectives as they guided you through life.

Perspective is why an open mind is Free and a closed one is Poisonous. You see, open minded people are generally happier because they can see the good in many things, and aren't restricted by the contamination of closed minded people. Having a closed mind really sticks you in one spot, never seeing positive lights, not ever knowing what you're missing out on. This is what holds us back with lines between religion and legal morals. It stops us from seeing from the other side of the fence, and simply believing what we were told at one time to be factual, when it may just be a matter of poor, darkened perspective. Perspective on environment vs. fiscal platforms cause companies to pollute to save an extra dollar, law vs religion struggle with issues such as allowing couples from achieving their goals with their partners simply because they aren't heterosexual, The worst of all, self vs self conflicts keep us, everyday, from being who we could be at our best due to judgements of how others' may think of us and misinterpreted values.

Perspective is an invaluable piece of life, beyond a great word itself. You can change the entire world just by looking at it with a new lens. It is incredibly relevant to me as I have recently moved to a new country, and have taken on new perspectives to become a better person. Aren't you lucky to be along for the journey via this passage! You might think of doing the same, if you have been in some darker days as I have been the past few years.

It is running late, and I leave you with this. Perhaps you can do something to change your life, even something small. Look at the better things around you, and try not to focus on the bothersome things in your face. Just behind them lies another day, keep yourself in shape enough to enjoy what waits for you there. Have a great day, you deserve it!